The morning after pill, but for tweets
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[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
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If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
mood
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry