What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
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One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.