*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
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Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
❤️❤️❤️
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Looking at you, Jesus.