What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
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One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
TRAIN’S HERE
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks