What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
You Might Also Like
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
A man of commitment.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.