“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
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In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
lmao
12. I think about this all the damn time
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down