@TheTweetOfGod: "What does the fox say?" Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
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@caribbeanaj: I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
@DaddyJew: When you catch someone picking their nose it's important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
@Just__J0: Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won't divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
@causticbob: I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.