“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
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“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.