me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
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[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.