@AndyAsAdjective: [reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it's a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
@Mikestanley1: [pulls up after first date]
Me: well, this is my place
Her: a bouncy house?
Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY "YOUR MAJESTY."
@squirrel74wkgn: Can you at least smile if you're gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
"You can pull up your pants now."
@KevinFarzad: Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
@truegritrumble: ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
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