@stockejock: What doesn't kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
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@salamingia: My wife said I'm picky. I said obviously not picky enough. Anyone need a roommate tonight?
@iGreenMonk: I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators... All I wanted was to complete the circle of life.
@JediGigi: Me: You're such a good boy. Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
@JohnLyonTweets: Hot coffee: Perfect! Iced coffee: Delicious! Room-temperature coffee: The most disgusting liquid on earth.