@stockejock: What doesn't kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
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@AndyAsAdjective: [reading dinosaur book] 8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl ME: actually sweetie, it's a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus 8: how did you ever get laid?
@Mikestanley1: [pulls up after first date] Me: well, this is my place Her: a bouncy house? Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY "YOUR MAJESTY."
@squirrel74wkgn: Can you at least smile if you're gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc? (takes off rubber glove) "You can pull up your pants now."
@KevinFarzad: Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?