What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
You Might Also Like
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Ha
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me