@shayf_: What doesn't kill me makes me smaller - Mario
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@aveuaskew: When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting "I'm pregnant" to random numbers.
@Jenny4ashley: A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
@dulcetry: [Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
@Jay_FrickinLynn: [Giving a toast] "It was when I was entering blackout that I realized I forgot the Plan B at home. Happy 1st birthday, you little accident."