What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
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me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together