What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
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Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Do not levitate over flowers
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .