@Traceylei2: What doesn't kill you isn't earning the money I paid.
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@Kyle_Raney: [hospital] "We found the problem. There's an entire sheep in your stomach." "Is that bahahaad?" "Yes. It's causing some internal bleating."
@JosesLovesYou: Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
@Manali_Shetye5: Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off. Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!
@Bandersnaaatch: When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.