What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
You Might Also Like
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Oh my god
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?