What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
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Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud