What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
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I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
live, laugh, laundry.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan