What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
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Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
this is uni
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I’m not wrong
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭