What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
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Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains