What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
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The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
You got this…
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
My whole life was a lie.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful