What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
You Might Also Like
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.