If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
You Might Also Like
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier