Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
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Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My Sentiments Exactly
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!