My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
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Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Who did it better?
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
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A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”