Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
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confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Weirdly Wednesday.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.