Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
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We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Twitter is an abusement park.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great