@iMikosnyc: What doesn't kill you was only practicing.
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@ThaJawn: An air horn that looks like a febreze can so you will always know when someone shits at your house
@pleatedjeans: [blind date] So,where you from? [eyes turn black] T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L Oh nice. ever miss it? [cries blood] Y e s
@Bollingmargaret: 3 year old daughter: “I want marijuana.” Me: “What did you say?” 3 year old: “Marijuana.” Me: “Huh? I don’t know what you’re asking for.” 3 year old gets remote and turns on Netflix and points to movie. Me: “OOOHHH...Moana!”
@ArfMeasures: [mouse wedding] PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN'T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE