Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
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Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels