What even happened today?
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Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”