What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories