The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
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I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.