“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
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[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Generation gap…
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.