What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
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The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Sign of the day..
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one