What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
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My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.