What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
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Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.