What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
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Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
😅😅😅
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Before & after 😅