What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
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“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I hope it’s French Onion!
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus