I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
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eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
termite twitter scares me
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters