Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
You Might Also Like
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Me sliding into hell like
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.