[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
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*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
🤣
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.