What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
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Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks