Going into Monday like
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[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security