Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
You Might Also Like
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet