@alispagnola: What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
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@ericsshadow: [traffic stop] COP: where ya headed? ME: on my way home COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat* ME: look at me when I'm speaking to you
@emsykay: Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
@Jack_Wagon1: Sometimes when I get a retweet... I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
@zgbetty: This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.