What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
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Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?