@alispagnola: What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
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@osoplain: I'm texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
@AnOrangeSNES: *Buys a bunch of wooden letters* Cashier: Feeling crafty? Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
@Midgetspar: Just bought Colgate mouthwash 'cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
@HrBry: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my license plate before I ran down all the people I hate