People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
You Might Also Like
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
tinder is all about the long game
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase