I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
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Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.