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Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”