I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
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the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Not all heroes wear capes….
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace