Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
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I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey