My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
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Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad