Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
You Might Also Like
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.