What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
You Might Also Like
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Holy moly
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
😩😩😩
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
#dalle2
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
crochet youtube is brutal
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.