Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
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How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Just a reminder, folks:
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.