joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
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Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.